ADV I MURERIWA : WRITING ON VALENTINES DAY 2021.

1. While the world is celebrating Valentine's Day under the global lockdown, it may very well be appropriate to discuss an aspect of domestic relationships which is generally tiptoed around by many spouses, especially men – the subject of domestic violence in the form of emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse. This is important, the moreso now that many spouses are caged together like animals in their houses under lockdown and the statistics on domestic violence show a significant rise in reported (and unreported) cases.
2. Section 1 of the Domestic Violence Act (No. 116 of 1998) defines domestic violence to include, among other things, emotional, verbal and psychological abuse.
3. The Act proceeds to define emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse to mean:
   “a pattern of degrading or humiliating conduct towards a complainant, including-
   (a) Repeated insults, ridicule, or name-calling;
   (b) Repeated threats to cause emotional pain;
   (c) Repeated exhibition of obsessive possessiveness or jealousy, which is such as to constitute a serious invasion of the complainant’s privacy, liberty, integrity, or security.

4. Author Sherri Gordon, reviewed by Amy Morin, LCSW (17 September 2020), writes as follows:
   “Emotional abuse is a way to control another person by using emotions to criticize, embarrass, shame, blame, or otherwise manipulate another person. In general, a relationship is emotionally abusive when there is a consistent pattern of abusive words and bullying behavior that wears down a person’s self-esteem and undermines their mental health.”

5. By its very nature and given the absence of immediate physical outward manifestation, emotional abuse is very difficult to detect and often very confusing to the victim since it is often done in the guise and pretense of love and caring. It is in that invincibility that many victims of emotional abuse suffer in silence, often without realizing it.

6. Typical signs of an emotionally abusive relationship include, but are not limited to, the following:

   PARTNER HAVING UNREALISTIC EXPECTATION & DEMANDS

7. Emotionally abusive people display unrealistic expectations from their spouses and often go to extremes measures in demanding that their expectations be met.

8. Basic examples of these include:
   (a) Threats of and attempts at suicide in order to coerce a spouse to do or not to do something, most typically to coerce a spouse not to walk out on a romantic relationship;
   (b) Demanding that a spouse choose between a relationship with them on the one hand and their children or family on the other, most typically by giving ultimatums to walk out of the relationship if the victim choses his children or family
   (c) Being dissatisfied and critical of everything done by the victim, even if it is done for their own good or for the well-being of the family and children
   (d) Expecting the victim to blindly share their opinion on issues, and regarding the victim’s descending opinions as a lack of support.
   (e) Generally expecting that the victim must put everything aside and meet the abuser’s needs and preferences

   PARTNER INVALIDATING AND UNDERMINING VICTIM’S VIEWS

9. Typically, emotional abusers develop a tendency and pattern of invalidating their victims as a means of controlling their minds and feelings.

10. Common example of these are:-
    (a) Undermining, dismissing or distorting the victim’s perception or reality.
    (b) Refusing to accept the victim’s feelings by trying to define how he feels or should feel
    (c) Refusing to acknowledge the victim’s requests, wants, opinions or ideas as valid or genuine.

    PARTNER DELIBERATELY CREATING CHAOS

11. This is a typical way by which abusers seek to show control and test the resolve of their victims. Typically they will:-
    (a) Start arguments for the sake of arguing to irritate and see victims’ reaction.
    (b) Make confusing and contradictory statements and decision (sometime called crazy-making)
    (c) Having drastic mood changes or sudden emotional outburst which are uncalled for and disproportionate
    (d) Generally behaving so erratic that the victim walks on egg-shell around them

    PARTNER USING EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL ON THE VICTIM

12. This is really the hallmark of an emotionally abusive relationship and often used by the abusers to achieve the end they design for the victim. Typically the abuser would :-
    (a) Attempting suicides and other self-hurt practices as a means of coercing the victim to meet their demands and needs.
    (b) Generally manipulate and control the victim by making them feel guilty or responsible for the abuser’s shortfall and faults.
    (c) Humiliating the victim in public in order to belittle
    (d) Using the victims’ fears, values, compassions or other so called hot buttons to control the victim or the situation.
    (e) Outright blackmail and withholding affection and sex as a means to coerce the victim to coerce the victim to make decisions or take steps he / she otherwise wouldn’t.

    PARTNER CONTROLLING AND ISOLATING THE VICTIM

13. This is a means by which emotional abuser use to control their victims and abuse them out of the sight of their caring children, siblings, friends, family and associates.

14. Isolation is a tool which abusers use to ensure that the victim has no other person to rely on or confide in such that the abuser becomes the victim’s entire world.

15. To achieve isolation research shows that the abuser will pick issues and fights starting with those closest to their victims as a means of making the victim to choose between them and the close relatives.

16. The fights often comes from the abuser creating accusations, including accusations of witchcraft, jealousy and gossiping in order that the victim actually believes the abuser’s concern and side with her.

17. In the context of step-children, the abuser often goes a mile further in questioning paternity as a means to seed discontent and create chaos between the victim and own children.

18. Mothers-in-law are often simply accused of witchcraft as a way of isolating the victim from own mother.

19. Siblings and friends are often accused of jealousy as a way of seeding discontent and rifts between victim and own siblings thus isolating the victim.

20. Once isolated, the victim will then be at mercy of the abuser and the level and intensity of abuse escalates without anyone noticing, including the victim himself.

21. In dealing with emotional abuse, once identified and recognized, the following tips are handy:
    (a) Make yourself priority, take care of your needs and worry not about the problem and needs of the abuser. Do something that will help you think positively and affirm who you are. Often it is said don’t feed every dog you see starving because some of them just need enough strength to bite you.
    (b) Establish boundaries by making the abuser know how far they can go and what nonsense you will not tolerate.
    (c) Stop blaming yourself and trying to help the abuser with her problems or assuming responsibility for her problems. This is important because abuser often make you realize their vulnerabilities and make you believe that by having a domestic relationship with them, you would have inherited their problems, whether problems of upbringing, lack of education and or family support.
    (d) Realize that you can’t fix them and their problems, more particularly because they had their own emotional baggage before meeting them and it is not your responsibility to fix them. Assist where you can but beware that some of the dogs you see starving only need enough energy to bite you.
    (e) Build a support network around you and have people you can trust and confide in. This is very difficult with most African men in traditional social set ups, who often opt to take their challenges to the grave than share stories of domestic abuse with others.
    (f) Work on an exit plan because most emotionally abusive relationships are not sustainable. The abusive relationship will come to an end and as a victim it is important to prepare adequately for an exit from the relationship. Different relationships will have different circumstances and the nature of the exit plan would naturally be on a case-to-case basis.

    CONCLUSION

22. Emotional, verbal and psychological abuse is domestic violence in terms of the Domestic Violence Act (No 116 of 1998) and as the world celebrates Valentine 2021 under Lockdown, it is important that we reflect on our relationships in view of the above.

23. Unlike physical abuse (which is prosecutable as assault), I can find no known common law crime under which emotional, verbal and psychological abuse may be prosecuted and for that reason victims have little recourse in criminal law. The only other way is to seek Protection Orders under the Domestic Violence Act and then only prosecute the abuser for breach of the protection order.

24. Writing on her Facebook profile, @Buhle-Nolls had the following to say:
    “GBV also includes slapping him when you’re having a heated argument, pushing him around when you’re angry, smashing his phone against the wall, splashing water or a drink on his face when you’re angry. U are not a ‘crazy girlfriend,’ u are violent & abusive. Justifications aside.”

I wish you all a Happy and non abusive Valentines Day !!!

By Counsel : Adv I Mureriwa.
+27 71 151 9000, advmureriwa@yahoo.com
PRETORIA, SOUTH AFRICA.
14 FEBRUARY 2021